Swine Flu

First of all I want to say thank you to the people that responded so apologetically to my last blog. Unfortunately the people that responded with such concern are not the ones I was "blogging" to but that was to be expected. I feel horrible that I had to write such an ugly post but I feel it was a long time in the making and it needed to be finally said. Please know that is not who I am or how I feel about 99.9% of the time. This year has been about healing and personal growth for me and that was all part of my recovery.

I haven't been in touch for awhile because its been one dramatic event after another but I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful new year. I know I am looking forward to mine. I am working on a fledgling business that I grow to love more and more. I am appreciating my new friends and family more and more and am so thankful for this healthy group of loving souls that cheer me on as I continue my journey. I look forward to continuing to work on not only healing but also to overcome what I see as personal flaws. I have come so far this year and hope my progress continues.

I am so thankful for the love I have in my life. Life is too short not to recognize and embrace the grace of others. I am indeed fortunate and hope all of you find and embrace as much grace in the universe as I have.

I just did not want the year to end on such an ugly note. As for the Swine Flu....well I got it...it was ugly but I've been sicker from the regular flu in the past. Like so many other things the news likes to blow out of proportion the swine flu is no different. Yes it is definitely something to be cautious with but it is no different then some of the other flus out there. So I feel pretty much back to normal mentally and physically.

Love to all of you

Lisa

To My Virginia "Friends" Back Home

Hello everyone. Long time no talk to to most of you. I have thought about all of you this summer and have gotten so melancholy thinking about what your friendships have meant to me over the years. Some of you I have known since I was 16 years old. You guys have seen me marry twice, have a child, raise that child, go to school and get my degree then to go on and teach then work at W&M. Most of you have been there for me and have cheered me on. I use to thank God for blessing me with such wonderful and meaningful friendships.

Then I learned who my really friends are and WOW!!! There are people back in Virginia that must hate me. So I'm thinking these people were nice to my face while stabbing me in the back. Then I thought hard again about all the under handed bullshit I had to put up with since I married David to begin with. Hell....maybe if I had had better fucking friends David and I would still be married. But who the fuck knows.

In the meantime...to those of you who have decided to start a big smear campaign to destroy what relationship David and I have left....well thanks and oh FUCK YOU!!! You know who you are and so do I so please...those of you who were actually my friends and have said nothing behind my back I apologize for this note. You know who you are as well and if I ever decide to come back to Virginia you will be the ones I visit....everyone else can go fuck themselves.

This petty, childish, hurtful shit is exactly why I became a drug addict then RAN to fucking Utah to get away from. What is your problem?? I mean most of you are my age or older and to be quite frank you people are PATHETIC!!! What the fuck did I ever do to you??? I was always so fucking nice to everyone unless you back stabbed me then I just avoided you. Are your lives so empty and pathetic you feel the need to spread the misery around??

Well thanks guys...it worked. It wasn't like David and I were going through enough pain. The added doses from all of you really topped off the pain and suffering.

I never did or said anything to anyone that I wouldn't have said in front of David. I never cheated on him and if I flirted it was in front of him or I told him about it. Tequila and other narcotics will make you do stuff you might not do sober...like dancing on bar tables and making out with girls. And the funny thing none of that made the gossip grapevine. No...just the mean nasty made up or very exaggerated stuff.

I cannot begin to tell you how much this hurts me but whatever. I don't know why I am even surprised. So Merry Fucking Christmas Mother Fuckers. Tis the season to fuck over more people and make their lives unbearable. No wonder I was suicidal...Jesus H. Christ!!! Oh he'd be so proud of all of you.

So for those of you that had it out for me and told David whatever you told him it hurt me yes...but most of you mean little to nothing to me. David however really was hurt like he hasn't suffered enough. Is this your way of making people feel better?? God all of you need so much therapy Dr. Phil could just set up shop there and be busy til the day he died.

Merry Fucking Christmas and Kiss my ass!!!!

To all my other my other nice friends who have a pulse Happy Holidays and I love you all.

Lisa

Thanksgiving Hike

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend. I had a wonderful weekend. Ron and I went to a great Thanksgiving Dinner for the whole community that was free. It was put on by the Youth Garden Project and Wabi Sabi which a nonprofit group here in Moab. There were two lines; one for carnivores and the other for herbivores so I was safe eating in my new vegetarian state (about a year now).

This weekend I got together with Ron and my wonderful friends Rodger and Dana who are nurses here. I met them when I was working at The Peace Tree. We first went and saw some great petroglyphs that Ron knew about. They were pretty cool and included an owl.

After we found the owl we decided to go hiking up Moonflower trail to try and find a Mastodon Petroglyph Ron had been trying to find about a year. I frankly didn't believe it existed. This isn't an area you would expect to see any evidence of Mammoths but we all indulged Ron and

went on an adventure becaus

e it was a beautiful day and we were all just excited to be outside. So off we went and we saw many wonderful petroglyphs but no Mastodons. We found one canyon that had a very small waterfall remnant. I can't wait to see it during the rainy season here (we're in a desert so I use that term lightly).

From this picture you can see how vast and majestic this countryside is. If I went out every weekend to go hiking from now on I would probably not be able to see all there is here. But I'm going to die trying.

Here is that little waterfall and oasis we found. I'm thinking a great place to skinny dip!!

After a long hike with no Mastodon in site I thought I would take my new hiking boots and find an easy trail back down off the cliffs. I had Indigo the sweet dog walking with me and off I went. Well I discovered over and over everything ended off a cliff with no way to get down. After a while I noticed I was alone. No Indigo....no Dana....no Rodger....no Ron. Hmmmm. Okay so I realized I was on my own. Now mind you a mere few months ago I was terrified of heights and cliffs and rocks ....you get the picture but I'm feeling pretty brave in my new hiking boots so off I go. The only thing I was worried about was I figured Ron would be pretty worried about me. I finally found a jeep trail down and I walked the long way back to the car. On the way I looked over in a field and the three cutest Donkeys were following along beside me. So I stopped and made friends of course

.

These are the cutest faces!! The Donkeys...not Rodger and Dana...well actually they are pretty cute too!!!

Finally Ron came jogging up to the car. We found Rodger and Dana and went off to shovel banana splits in our gut.

The next day Ron and I went one more time to try and find that stupid Mastodon but now we had to find a Bear as well. Ron talks to locals at the coffee shop next door to my studio and they always have these tall tales of this and that. But I was fine because once again it was a beautiful day. After a fairly short hike there it was......the MASTODON!!! What the hell?? Maybe there were Mammoths down this far.Then when we were ready to give up on the Bear (yes I was a believer by this time) there the Bear was. These two petroglyphs are so unique in this area and

very exciting to see.

Reflecting on What I Am Thankful of

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I sit here so full from my dinner and am waking up from a food coma having coffee. Ron is next to me but on his way out. He's been on call this weekend (he is a psychotherapist) and he's had several calls. It just shows how many of us struggle during the holidays such as this one. I know I too have been there so many times and to be quite frank was terrified of this one. I am pleased to tell you that its been a wonderful day.

Ron wrote an article about the alarming trends in anti-depressants and the amount of people taking them. I being one of them. I always swore I would never go on them but eventually gave up the fight last year as suicide seemed to be looming ever closer at my door. I have wanted off them for a while now but my doctor here in Moab wants me to wait just a bit more than I will go off them gradually. With all the ups and downs and continued stress I am undergoing she just didn't feel it was safe.

I was wondering if Europeans or South Americans or Canadians had the same statistics about anti-depressants or is this a North American phenomena. I know our health system has become a legal drug pusher program. Doctors don't even touch you anymore or look in your nose or anything. They sit down in front of their computer screens and print out a prescription without making eye contact anymore. Is is like that all over the world or is it just here?

As I read what Ron wrote he basically brought up ideas on how to move past the saddens and embrace the wonder of life. I have been learning to do that for the first time this summer and I love it. Don't get me wrong...I oftentimes suck at it. For those of you that know me know I can be a bit doom and gloom at times because lets face it....thats just been my life experience. But reading what he wrote made me think on my life and for the first time in my life ever I really feel blessed and am beginning to love who I am. Yeah...I know I'm weird and attract strange people in my life and have weird taste on almost everything but I am who I am and I'm beginning to see that its not such a bad thing. I add color to this already very colorful town called Moab and that suits me just fine. I don't even stick out.

I have been reflecting the last week on what is really important to me. I find prestige and affluence is not super important. As long as I can pay my bills without having to have my mother help me out all the time would be super great. That is coming more and more. So instead I am very thankful for my mother. She has sacrificed countless hours of sleep worrying about me this summer and all the help she has had to give me. Two such huge examples of that is she paid for my gall bladder surgery and then she invested in my business and has supported me until I could support myself. I hope one day I can make all of this up to her. I try to tell her I see all she does and I am so appreciative but I will never be able to express to her what that support has meant to me.

I am thankful for my daughter who is my best friend. She and I have been through so much together and have learned and grown and fucked up together so much. We've never really been mother and daughter. Sisters is more like it but sometimes shes my mom and sometimes I'm hers. Sometimes its love/hate and sometimes its a love that is indescribable. I am proud of her for surviving the adversity life has continue to throw at her. She has grown into a beautiful woman with a fabulous future in front of her in the world of Culinary Arts. She is beautiful, intelligent and the funniest person I know and I know she puts on a tough act but her heart is three times too big and she does what she has to to protect it.

I am thankful for my Ron. He is one of the most intriguing and genuine people I have ever met. He has forced me to be honest about myself to myself and to him. We love our time together just sitting and reading, talking, driving or hiking. I could just gaze into his eyes all day and I love to make him smile. I have never felt so loved and safe in my whole life. Since we have come to know each other I have been able to wrap his love around me like a warm safe cocoon and I have blossomed under his care. I can't imagine how I survived this long without him. Its funny though since I have met him I am stronger now than ever. Anyway this kind of love and bond is as close to unconditional love as one could ever hope to find.

I could write for hours on all that I am thankful for but those are the big ones and for the first time since I was 7 years old I can say I am really happy. Genuinely and truly happy. I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and can look around you as I have done and find yourself surrounded with love and peace.

Love Lisa

A Long Hard Summer

I thought I would write a brief synopsis on what I have been up to. I think most of you know I have been heading for the mid life crisis of the century for quite some time. Well I found it June 13th and have been pretty much been dealing with the ups and downs of that decision for quite sometime.
I left my marriage of 12 years. That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done but I want everyone to know (and this is really important) I didn't do it to hurt David. I did it to save me. He and I are still good friends and living with the pain I have put him through is something I struggle with daily.
I have struggled with depression and all that went with it for years and I pretty much had decided the burden of living was just too much. I planned my final act of checking out when just hours before I was going to do it a friend called and offered to talk. That saved my life and I have never been more sure about living than I am now. I just needed to see life from a new perspective and I for once needed to put me first and do what I needed and wanted to do. Unfortunately the "needs"and "wants" aren't alwys so clear.
Okay so I live in Moab and I have just started my own grooming business called Holistic Pet Grooming Studio. I do Animal Reiki and Dog Training as well and I love it. Its so nice to be working with animals again because anyone that knows me knows I love animals and I pretty much think people suck for the most part.
The sad thing is I lost Elliot (my beloved gelding) the end of August two days before I lost gall bladder. Of course this was after I was told I had a lump in my left breast. Something that I need to keep an eye they said. Two weeks before I opened my business I lost my best friend Alexandra the Greatest. I don't think I recovered from these losses yet and I'm not sure when I will be okay again.
In the meantime I have made wonderful friends here in Moaband have a wonderful man in m life. That very friend that saved my life early in the summer. His name is Ron and he has given me a new lease on life.
For now that is what I have but you will hear from me daily as I continue my journey for better or worse.

Today I am grateful for Ron.
Today I am grateful I hve such a bond with animals.
Today I am grateful I am still breathing.

New post

Everything I want to say I just said in my other blog. If you want to know whats going on just got to

www.moorefuninplanetutah.blogspot.com

It explains a lot and perhaps sheds too much light on my brain while I fight addiction at this time. I also would go into other things more here but its that time of the morning when I have to turn off the computer, fix myself up so I don't scare anybody and act like an adult and go to work. I don't want to but I'm not alone...nobody likes to do what I must now do. So I say ADIEU (sp?) and I will leave you with this thought...........


"Each individual has an opportunity to make a difference"
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

But this reminds me of the next topic I must share with you. My new healing sanctuary for animals. Its wacky and awesome. Until then ......

Computer issues

I just posted a page on my other blog moore fun in planet utah about a bowel story. Its rather funny and I highly recommend you read it. This blog however I will discuss my unfortunate accident last night.
As I was shutting down for the night I accidentally knocked over a glass of wine. Some landed on the keyboard but nothing to write home about. I carefully wiped it off, shut it off, went to bed and prayed like hell. I got up at 3:30am confident all was well with my lifeline. I turned it on and it worked beautifully. Until I tried to type in my facebook user and password. The keyboard was not responding. So for two hours I did everything. I even called my hp tech support but once he discovered I had let my warranty expire (which I had no clue about) he basically told me he could not (or would not) help me. He finally hung up and at that moment I decided my next computer would be a Dell.
All I could do was to walk out to my living room, flop down in a pout on my chaise and watched an episode of The Unit I had Tivoed. When my husband got up he knew by the mere fact I was reading and not facebooking. I tried to be brave but he could see I was in crisis so he made a call to the first guy we use to do computer maintenance. Once he got on the phone David handed me the phone. I was like "Hey Rodney...hope I'm not disturbing you at this early hour" He said "Well I was trying to get ready for work......" and I said "Super!! let me tell you whats going on..." and I told him. He told me to buy a new keyboard and basically hung up on me. Well that's not at all what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to say "Oh...you must've locked your keyboard or turned it off when you wiped your computer down" I really wanted to hear how I could push ctrl-alt-keyboard special fixer upper key and I would be back in business. So I made my husband call another friend...my cousin actually....who just had a baby this weekend. Once again Dave threw the phone at me like it was a hot potato and Jay answered. He was a little more friendly (however in my mind I could see this conversation...Hey Jay hope I'm not calling to early" and he'd say...well I just got back to sleep from the 4 o'clock feeding" and I would say "awesome your up...let me explain.." but I didn't have to do that song and dance). He did say....order a new keyboard and I will install it but in the meantime use another keyboard, just plug it in to your notebook as long as it has a USB port. I was ecstatic!! I went with Dave to feed the horses, got my mother to read my friends Beth's blog which was the funniest shit I have ever read and finally we raced to our storage unit to find the many keyboards I knew was in there.
Yep...they were there and all of them had the round plug...not USB. So I run to Alco (a store here that takes the place of Wal-Mart in small towns but is not really very well stocked). I was floored...they had everything else but no keyboards. Finally I made Dave go get my moms computer while she is out getting her hair done.
Now throughout this whole morning I noticed Dave was biting his tongue to keep from giving me the Big Lecture. He finally couldn't take it and blurted out "Now what have we learned from this? Maybe that there should be a no food and drink policy around the computer?" I could've gone the rest of my life without hearing that. But I have to admit if anything called for a lecture its spilling wine on a keyboard on the only computer in the house that just so happens to be a laptop.

So at this point I'm writing on my mothers computer while we brainstorm on how we can fix this before Lisa loses it.

"The very purpose of our lives is happiness and joyfulness. That is very clear. "
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Intuitive Energy and Healing Workshop

I was going to write about this in my other blog (the tame one) but I decided against it because once again some people may be uncertain about the things I talk about in this post. Its a Lisa perhaps I will keep hidden from many because of their lack of understanding. But the real Lisa...the Unleashed Lisa doesn't give a crap what anyone thinks and shes just thrilled she had a life changing weekend.
First of all this woman, Timmilyn, was found by my doctor who had a reading done as a gift from her father. My Doctor is also my dear friend I have come to find out and shes also a beautiful artist in nature photography. www.annaday.com
Timmilyn was invited down to give a work shop because she had changed Anna's life and she thought she could help people here. www.timmilynmoller.com

Basically what I found out and put together was this:
Everyone has the ability to see things or be gifted in other ways. Before the rise of Christianity most people lived extremely close to nature incorporating it and all its signs into their everyday life. They had no choice. Technology was very limited then as you know. They lived right with nature and used descriptive myths to help illustrate their beliefs. These are known as the pagan religions or natural religions but they are also all the old Oral Traditions passed down from one generation to the next.
Once the Roman Emperor discovered he would be able to control the masses if he just joined them instead of fighting the Christians. Many pagan rituals and ceremonies and beliefs were incorporated into the new christian religion this emperor decided to keep it all organized he'd gather all the great scholars of the time and these scholars would write the official Christian Bible. Some things were omitted completely. Many of these omitted ancient scrolls have been since discovered and Christianity is once again going through a bit of a flux.
Many people that have read these old scrolls believe these are the true words of Christ and that the bible written at the Nicene meeting was really just the words of man. I believe both are true and correct if you just read what was meant to be conveyed instead of the literal belief. However that is neither here nor there...that is why I have titled myself a Buddhist Christian. I believe in Christ but I believe in the Christ I knew studied in the East before he turned 30.
Now my point to all this is....this time of flux has seen a renewal of eastern medicine and the renewal of a more natural religion.
This woman basically said we are all capable of the special gifts and sights and knowledge that we all have. Its like a muscle that never gets worked...it shrivels away and does nothing but if you start working that muscle eventually it comes back strong. That is our 6th sense...our intuition. How many of us has heard the little voice inside that warns you not to do something but you go ahead and do it and always regret it. That is our sight, our gift etc....everyone is different but we all have the ability to tap into our intuition more than you can ever know. It was proven to me and I can do it. I learned all these wonderful meditations that bring on these answers for you and they are always right and true. Like I said it was life changing and I will of course answer any specific questions but I will leave it there. Just know I studied the auras, chakras, spiral healing, meditating, and many other things this weekend and I feel so peaceful and serene and enlightened. I feel as if I have walked out of a thick fog and can finally see what I knew was there. My psychic abilities are especially strong around animals which I've always known and today through a series of really weird events I know exactly what I need to do with my life...what a fucking relief you have no idea!!! it will take me a few years but that's okay...I will be finally working towards a goal that I have been searching for my whole life. I also am getting to know me and all of a sudden I am not concerned how people see me. Its out of my hands...but the more true I am to myself the more true I can be to everyone.

Thanks for listening and I can handle mild ribbing...lets just not get nasty!! ;-)

I am thankful for myself
I am thankful for the answers I found this weekend
I am thankful for all the new friends I have made

People who judge me harshly suck
People who hurt others suck
People who ridicule others when they don't understand something suck

Unfortunate

I have been censored people. I have to admit Dave has a point but I have been censored!! My first draft of this blog had to be deleted because we live in a very small town and my husband's business and us as a whole depend on a good name. Up until this blog there were only a tiny few who knew my political views. I am not kidding when I say that if I was busted knocking an old lady over the head for her pain meds I would be forgiven. If however it was discovered I was a democrat that was actually born in California that I was almost psycho (not Green Peace crazy or PETA psycho...but close) about the environment and all that went with that I would be run out of town if I was lucky.
There was an article in the paper that was so distasteful, degrading, and horrifying I am at a loss for words. I scanned the article and began my piece about the unforgivable things this person said. Then David walked by. It broke his heart to try to get me to see reason. Though I am positive no one locally reads this blog there is a chance...albeit small. However, it just takes one tiny little person to set the gossip fields ablaze.
If anyone from here read what I was prepared to say we would more than likely be bankrupt. Let me also say (a disclaimer if you will) that the views expressed in this blog are mine and mine alone. My husband is very supportive of my opinions but he doesn't necessarily agree with a lot of them. I am not going to go in to who he voted for or what he thinks because that is not my place. If David wanted his views expressed he'd write his own damn blog. The opinions in THIS blog are mine and mine alone hence Lisa Unleashed.

If however you are very curious about what the article says and do not live locally or know anybody locally then I will send a copy of the article via snail mail.

I know it broke my husbands heart to discourage me and I feel bad because I snapped at him. Actually all of this is so funny. Before I went to college I could've cared less about anything. I would never get in a heated debate about anything much less politics. I just realized I really feel strongly about this and it feels good. I remain true and loyal to what I know to be true and really that's really what its all about. Perhaps I should cut this individual some slack that wrote the article. He has every right to feel as strongly about what he knows to be true as I do to mine. However.......this is big.....I never insult, hurt, humiliate or belittle anyone for their opinions. Unfortunately that is EXACTLY what this individual did to me and people that feel the same way as I do.

I am thankful that I am so educated that I am no longer ignorant of the world.
I am thankful for a husband that believes in me even when he has to put out the fire for all of our good.
I am thankful for the hay that was delivered to my horses today.

I think people that insult and hurt other people suck.
I think judgemental people suck.
I think necessary censorship sucks.

A Response to my friend Beths Blog

My friend Beth wrote a blog that was in response of her new profile photo. You have never seen abs on a girl like this one...I'm telling you they are beautiful. I look at her and she is the perfect specimen of an athletic woman...oh and like me shes 42. I would love to put her blogs address up here but I don't feel comfortable doing that without her permission and I'm in writing mode now so its too late to ask.

I, like Beth, am blessed with a naturally thin body. In fact, I've always been a bit underweight but that's what was truly comfortable to me. I rarely can say I live to eat. I'm that girl that just eats to live (unless its Greek food or something out of the ordinary and really freaking good). However, I have watched my mother on one side of me and my daughter on the other side struggle their whole lives with their weight. I however take after my mothers mother...my Granny Danny .....who had men whistling at her until she was well into her sixties. In fact, when I went out to Catalina for her funeral I was sitting in a bar afterwards and started talking to these two local gentlemen and when they realized who my grandmother was all they could say was "TITS!!!" She and I wore the same size clothes (around 3's) when I would visit her. So my point to all of that was it skips generations in my family. Jessie's children should have no problems and I don't know if its nature vs. nurture but thats a topic for another time.

Okay...so ....back to me. I was there when Beth started her gymnastics. I tried so hard. I wanted to be just like her. We both tried out for the team and I got to be a spotter...nice eh? But Beth was like an angel on that mat. I was skinny but not exactly graceful...In fact, I'm still the clumsiest person anyone knows. But put me on the back of a horse and I rode like nobodies business. I was terrified of heights with gymnastics but there was no horse to big for me. That believe it or not is one hell of a workout...especially cross country.

But I was stupid....I got into boys when Beth was working on her future. I was batting my eyes to anyone that walked by. I LOVED BOYS!!!!! But boys can sometimes make you feel very self conscious. I thought I was so ugly and deformed looking so I stopped eating. By the time I met my first husband (Satan...again that's a topic for another blog) I weighed 76 pounds. I was anorexic. I had bleeding ulcers and all kinds of problems by the time I was 18. I got pregnant and gained 50 pounds. The doctor would berate me and my mother would lose it because she was so afraid I'd stop eating. I didn't. I had a healthy 9 pound baby girl and when I went back to my first Dr's. appointment after the baby was born I weighed 101. I looked good and felt good.

My work has always been very physical because I have always worked with animals. I groomed animals in D.C for 10 years and I was a dog trainer. I could wrestle vicious Rottweilers for a living and I stayed in shape.

Then I divorced and lost everything but my sanity and I moved down to Tidewater Virginia. I started school then and worked on my degree in Biology. One of my classes was a mandatory PE class. I thought that was so stupid so I picked something easy like Power Walking. Well from all the down time studying I did put on a few pounds but I only weighed 122. But it was 122 of nothing but adipose I can promise you. The power walking nearly killed me until by the end of the semester I could walk 6 miles in 45 minutes. I loved it and I started feeling so much better.

After school I had a year of down time. I became extremely depressed (my daughter was killing me at the time...another blog) so I dabble in some drugs. Its not important what kind but it was the kind that made it so you had no appetite. I got skinny again but in that year I had gotten up to 138. I was devastated. My whole point of living was to be skinny and have a good body. All of a sudden as I was getting older the weight was beginning to find a home on my body and I hated it. Then I got my act together and started teaching at Thomas Nelson Community College and then I got that position running the animal research department at The College of William and Mary. I LOVED that job. But it was 7 days a week Christmas, Easter, rain, shine, it didn't matter I had 10,000 animals depending on me and only me. So I weighed 115. I was happy. Then I moved to Utah to help out with my ailing parents. Then I started teaching high school and there literally was no time to do any exercise unless I could do it grading papers and writing lectures. You know what I could do at the same time? Smoke. Then I had to eventually take a medical leave of absence (another blog) and was very, very sick. I could keep nothing in my body (even water) for a month. I landed in the hospital and because of stress I had ulcerative colitis and the beginnings of Crohn's Disease. I had drank some water at the school on the Indian reservation and it was apparently untreated. I got ghiardea (sp?) but once that got cleared up my body didn't fix itself. It just kept rejecting everything I put in my body. For those of you that have certain digestive problems take three acidophiles a day and you will be fine. It took a year for me but I got better but I was also really, really depressed this time. Borderline suicidal and I topped out at 158. I hated myself. I hated life. I hated getting older. I had a complete metal breakdown from a lot of other things that were going on in my life.When things got as bad as David was willing to risk I took off for California and Oregon for 2 weeks just driving and crashing on peoples couches...it was awesome. Then when I got home I went to my doctor and asked for help. After trying a few meds, Prozac worked for me. I also struggle with a very painful debilitating disease. So with the Prozac I take methadone. I am finally back to normal. I weigh 120. I feel so good and its easier to ride so I ride more. I've noticed my legs and my belly are actually getting muscles. I am going to put a picture up here I swore I would show NO ONE!!! In fact, the other day I went to delete it but I couldn't. It was taken at the lowest point in my life and I want to remind myself never to let that happen again.

I tell you all this because my story is the one you should NOT follow. I am still struggling. Because I was such a Klutz I was afraid of PE. I HATED IT. The only thing I wanted to do was ride. I'm good at it but is it because I love animals and have an almost psychic relationship with them or was that my main sport because that how my body was built and it does better on horses? I have no clue. I know I never get tired when I am working with a large animal.

Is my mother overweight because her mother made such a big deal about her weight or am I and my grandmother so skinny because we've watched my mom and Jess struggle? I don't know. I know while my daughter was growing up, besides the urge to strangle every child that was mean to her (which was all of them), I would've given ANYTHING if I could have put the weight on me so she could be skinny. You cannot even begin to imagine how bad my daughter was tortured. I finally found a doctor who took me seriously and found what was wrong with Jess. Her little ovaries looked like grape clusters. She was getting absolutely no estrogen. How do we fix that you ask? Birth Control pills. What happened you ask?Jessie lost a ton of weight and looked stunning. In fact all those guys that made her feel like she was not even good enough for them to wipe their feet on all of a sudden were all over her. That must've been great you say! No....NO it wasn't. What would a normal insecure teen age girl do when she lost all her weight and she coincidentally was on birth control? Instead of telling them all to kiss her ass instead she just gave it to them. How did that turn out you ask? Well...if she had low self esteem before it is 5000 times worse now. But that my friends is also for another blog.

I guess the moral of my story is.....exercise is so important not just for your body but also for your mind. Especially for your mind. I am going to enter a triathlon next march. I will run. I am terrified!!! I have a year to train. Now first I have to quit smoking and then start very slowly so I don't just keel over in the street. If I had never started trying to be cool for boys, I would've had a better opinion of myself and higher standards. I might've avoided the drugs, the cigs, the plummeting low self esteem and I probably would be some famous Horse person or whatever. But no. So I hope you can learn from my story. There are so many lessons in this one blog.

That's why I crack up when I hear Beth is ever self conscious. I don't wear shorts. Never have....never will. My cankles are my business. I love the way Beth can just accept and love herself. Not me. I'm still going through my midlife crisis but its getting better everyday. I figure the next big step to my recovery is exercise. Oh I do want to mention I am not taking these drugs alone...I go to therapy and I have severe PTSD so that kind of explains some of my issues.

I know this does not seem like a big deal to you but I literally cringe then wretch when I see this picture. I was so fucking sad too you have no idea.

This is me a few weeks ago. My weight is better, my eyes are brighter and my smile is genuine.

Here I am a few weeks ago. Where did my ass go?? Its gone.....good riddance. But I will never put my guard down again. I forgot to mention earlier too is I do a lot of hiking now because of my photography but I have such a long way to go before I can say I'm healthy mentally or physically. I take it one day at a time and am learning to just let all the crap go. I can write here about it and then leave it be. Whatever 8 million things out there that are determined to drive me insane I ignore now...or at least I'm doing a bit better.

I am thankful for second chances.

I am thankful for the beauty that surrounds me here.

I am thankful I didn't give up in September.

People and children that torment little girls that struggle with their weight suck!!

Depression sucks.

Low self esteem and self loathing suck.

I forgot to say:

I am thankful for my husband
I am thankful for my friends
I am thankful for my job

I think the death of a friend really sucks
I think close minded people suck
I think 50 mph winds definately suck!!

Let me rephrase.....

I got up this morning and read my blog and I have to say I was very grouchy and I don't think I was being entirely fair to ol' W. Do not mistake this for a retraction....absolutely not...I stand by what I said however I will say that while George was the leader we were not attacked again. That's huge!! So I will take my hat of to him for that. You have to understand, its not like I am a die hard democrat that HATES all republicans. No No. I loved Ronald Reagan and Bush Sr was okay in my book. I also want to point out my problem with George W began with SNL. Every time I'd tune in to one of his speeches for 1 I had a hard time following what the hell he was saying with his made up words and all (I bet his speech writing staff cringed every time he got in front of a camera) but 2 every time I saw him all I could see was Will Farrell. How can I expect to take this guy seriously. Most of the time I was just rotflmao. So yeah....I thought he was an ass for sure but I will give the man props where they are due.

I am doing way better today...have no idea why...maybe because its my Friday. I am not at all ready for Easter. I just put it together that its this weekend.

I will post some more fun later. Until then have a great day.



lisa

Lisa Speaks out

I wanted to start a blog where I could be completely me...completely unleashed. I don't want to watch what I say here. Now mind you I'm a 42 year old woman that has been through it all and seen it all and is now completely jaded, cynical and at times way too blunt. So if you are one of those people that gets easily offended stop right here and go away.
I am a sweet person in all aspects but I have been fucked over so many times I have developed an attitude and sometimes I have a hard time "faking it".
For instance I am so incredibly glad that idiot in office is no longer in office...what a fucking moron. I say good riddance and now maybe our country, our planet has a chance. Now whats the big deal you say? A lot of people weren't crazy about our last president but I live in Blanding, Utah. Barack Obama is the devil here. The town practically put up black bows everywhere. I had to boycott our local paper because the owner expressed his personal views and it was the most biased piece of shit I have every read. He basically called me and people like me losers and morons. He expressed his distaste for anyone who cares about the environment. He said anybody that's a democrat, from California that is an environmentalist are not worthy to breathe the air of this town. Ummmm that is me.
I work at a place called The Peace Tree. We wanted to put signs up supporting Obama but we knew we would be run out of town so we very quietly celebrated. I've heard the White House called the Black House.....COME ON!!!! What year its it anyway?
I also have very strong views on animal welfare and what I feel the most strongly about is how the media portrays women. I have struggled with my identity as a woman since I was born. Staunch Christians that I have known say that if God had to rescue just one person and there was a man and a woman he'd have to take the man because woman is here just for mans amusement. I have watched little girls trying to sex themselves up because that is all their self worth is based on. I love the new Dove commercials because they show real women. Beautiful, real women. I saw an interview of Cyndi Crawford years ago. When asked how she looked so beautiful Cyndi calmly replied "Hell I wish I looked as good as they make me look. If you think I look like this in the morning you are crazy".
Why isn't any woman beautiful? There is so much more to us than our looks.
Okay so this is just to get this blog off the ground running. I will have so much more to say. Here I can vent in my sharp witted way and think how therapeutic that will be. I keep my mouth shut so much but only my husband knows how fast the mind races. I have holes in my tongue from biting it.
But I have a wonderful view of life at times too. These insights are just a big a part of me as my sarcasm.
I'm nobody special...just a girl or woman that is tired of taking it quietly. So many people don't want to hear the good, the bad and the ugly. Well I want to share it all...all of me...every last bit of Lisa. In the meantime I will actually learn stuff about myself. I admit...I have been freaking out since I turned 40. Its a midlife crisis from hell without the cheating, big jewelry or red sports car. I don't even really know who I am yet. I wish I could see myself through my husbands eyes or my friends eyes or my parents eyes. How do I seem? Do I make faces while I'm thinking? How do I really feel about certain things...most people don't think to ask me...but those that do always get a good answer even if its not the one they want to hear.
In other words...life it toooooo short. I want to know me by the time I die. Life flies by and its so scary. Will I have a chance to put my stamp on the world?
George Bush Sr said in his inauguration speech that a thousand points of light could light up the world. If one person holds up a candle flame its hard to see...but if everyone held up just a tiny little flame the world would glow. I want to make a difference somehow and in someway.; I'm not fussy how really as long as it helped somehow. So I have to begin somewhere....I'm holding up my tiny little flame. I can't control the world but I can control me and what I do so this is it. I have no idea where this will take me or us (for the poor souls that will be reading this) but it will be a fun ride nonetheless. I look forward to your comments and opinions. This is a place where everyone has a right to think and feel the way they want to . No one is wrong and no one is right. This is like college and a meeting of the minds. I would love those long arguments I would have with my professors on evolution and animal behavior. Even if the professor didn't agree with me he listened and respected my opinion.
I will see you tomorrow....by the way I am PMSing so that maybe why I sound so bitchy tonight. It will be interesting to read my posts and to see if anyone can tell what time of the month it is for me just by reading my crap. I KNOW!!! This is like science....but its me I'm putting under the microscope. Brilliant!!!
Love to all
Lisa

I am thankful I live in a country where there is free speech.
I am thankful for my computer.
I am thankful my daughter loves school.

I think mean people suck.
I think my daughters boyfriend really sucks.
I think the cost of health insurance in this country sucks.