A Response to my friend Beths Blog

My friend Beth wrote a blog that was in response of her new profile photo. You have never seen abs on a girl like this one...I'm telling you they are beautiful. I look at her and she is the perfect specimen of an athletic woman...oh and like me shes 42. I would love to put her blogs address up here but I don't feel comfortable doing that without her permission and I'm in writing mode now so its too late to ask.

I, like Beth, am blessed with a naturally thin body. In fact, I've always been a bit underweight but that's what was truly comfortable to me. I rarely can say I live to eat. I'm that girl that just eats to live (unless its Greek food or something out of the ordinary and really freaking good). However, I have watched my mother on one side of me and my daughter on the other side struggle their whole lives with their weight. I however take after my mothers mother...my Granny Danny .....who had men whistling at her until she was well into her sixties. In fact, when I went out to Catalina for her funeral I was sitting in a bar afterwards and started talking to these two local gentlemen and when they realized who my grandmother was all they could say was "TITS!!!" She and I wore the same size clothes (around 3's) when I would visit her. So my point to all of that was it skips generations in my family. Jessie's children should have no problems and I don't know if its nature vs. nurture but thats a topic for another time.

Okay...so ....back to me. I was there when Beth started her gymnastics. I tried so hard. I wanted to be just like her. We both tried out for the team and I got to be a spotter...nice eh? But Beth was like an angel on that mat. I was skinny but not exactly graceful...In fact, I'm still the clumsiest person anyone knows. But put me on the back of a horse and I rode like nobodies business. I was terrified of heights with gymnastics but there was no horse to big for me. That believe it or not is one hell of a workout...especially cross country.

But I was stupid....I got into boys when Beth was working on her future. I was batting my eyes to anyone that walked by. I LOVED BOYS!!!!! But boys can sometimes make you feel very self conscious. I thought I was so ugly and deformed looking so I stopped eating. By the time I met my first husband (Satan...again that's a topic for another blog) I weighed 76 pounds. I was anorexic. I had bleeding ulcers and all kinds of problems by the time I was 18. I got pregnant and gained 50 pounds. The doctor would berate me and my mother would lose it because she was so afraid I'd stop eating. I didn't. I had a healthy 9 pound baby girl and when I went back to my first Dr's. appointment after the baby was born I weighed 101. I looked good and felt good.

My work has always been very physical because I have always worked with animals. I groomed animals in D.C for 10 years and I was a dog trainer. I could wrestle vicious Rottweilers for a living and I stayed in shape.

Then I divorced and lost everything but my sanity and I moved down to Tidewater Virginia. I started school then and worked on my degree in Biology. One of my classes was a mandatory PE class. I thought that was so stupid so I picked something easy like Power Walking. Well from all the down time studying I did put on a few pounds but I only weighed 122. But it was 122 of nothing but adipose I can promise you. The power walking nearly killed me until by the end of the semester I could walk 6 miles in 45 minutes. I loved it and I started feeling so much better.

After school I had a year of down time. I became extremely depressed (my daughter was killing me at the time...another blog) so I dabble in some drugs. Its not important what kind but it was the kind that made it so you had no appetite. I got skinny again but in that year I had gotten up to 138. I was devastated. My whole point of living was to be skinny and have a good body. All of a sudden as I was getting older the weight was beginning to find a home on my body and I hated it. Then I got my act together and started teaching at Thomas Nelson Community College and then I got that position running the animal research department at The College of William and Mary. I LOVED that job. But it was 7 days a week Christmas, Easter, rain, shine, it didn't matter I had 10,000 animals depending on me and only me. So I weighed 115. I was happy. Then I moved to Utah to help out with my ailing parents. Then I started teaching high school and there literally was no time to do any exercise unless I could do it grading papers and writing lectures. You know what I could do at the same time? Smoke. Then I had to eventually take a medical leave of absence (another blog) and was very, very sick. I could keep nothing in my body (even water) for a month. I landed in the hospital and because of stress I had ulcerative colitis and the beginnings of Crohn's Disease. I had drank some water at the school on the Indian reservation and it was apparently untreated. I got ghiardea (sp?) but once that got cleared up my body didn't fix itself. It just kept rejecting everything I put in my body. For those of you that have certain digestive problems take three acidophiles a day and you will be fine. It took a year for me but I got better but I was also really, really depressed this time. Borderline suicidal and I topped out at 158. I hated myself. I hated life. I hated getting older. I had a complete metal breakdown from a lot of other things that were going on in my life.When things got as bad as David was willing to risk I took off for California and Oregon for 2 weeks just driving and crashing on peoples couches...it was awesome. Then when I got home I went to my doctor and asked for help. After trying a few meds, Prozac worked for me. I also struggle with a very painful debilitating disease. So with the Prozac I take methadone. I am finally back to normal. I weigh 120. I feel so good and its easier to ride so I ride more. I've noticed my legs and my belly are actually getting muscles. I am going to put a picture up here I swore I would show NO ONE!!! In fact, the other day I went to delete it but I couldn't. It was taken at the lowest point in my life and I want to remind myself never to let that happen again.

I tell you all this because my story is the one you should NOT follow. I am still struggling. Because I was such a Klutz I was afraid of PE. I HATED IT. The only thing I wanted to do was ride. I'm good at it but is it because I love animals and have an almost psychic relationship with them or was that my main sport because that how my body was built and it does better on horses? I have no clue. I know I never get tired when I am working with a large animal.

Is my mother overweight because her mother made such a big deal about her weight or am I and my grandmother so skinny because we've watched my mom and Jess struggle? I don't know. I know while my daughter was growing up, besides the urge to strangle every child that was mean to her (which was all of them), I would've given ANYTHING if I could have put the weight on me so she could be skinny. You cannot even begin to imagine how bad my daughter was tortured. I finally found a doctor who took me seriously and found what was wrong with Jess. Her little ovaries looked like grape clusters. She was getting absolutely no estrogen. How do we fix that you ask? Birth Control pills. What happened you ask?Jessie lost a ton of weight and looked stunning. In fact all those guys that made her feel like she was not even good enough for them to wipe their feet on all of a sudden were all over her. That must've been great you say! No....NO it wasn't. What would a normal insecure teen age girl do when she lost all her weight and she coincidentally was on birth control? Instead of telling them all to kiss her ass instead she just gave it to them. How did that turn out you ask? Well...if she had low self esteem before it is 5000 times worse now. But that my friends is also for another blog.

I guess the moral of my story is.....exercise is so important not just for your body but also for your mind. Especially for your mind. I am going to enter a triathlon next march. I will run. I am terrified!!! I have a year to train. Now first I have to quit smoking and then start very slowly so I don't just keel over in the street. If I had never started trying to be cool for boys, I would've had a better opinion of myself and higher standards. I might've avoided the drugs, the cigs, the plummeting low self esteem and I probably would be some famous Horse person or whatever. But no. So I hope you can learn from my story. There are so many lessons in this one blog.

That's why I crack up when I hear Beth is ever self conscious. I don't wear shorts. Never have....never will. My cankles are my business. I love the way Beth can just accept and love herself. Not me. I'm still going through my midlife crisis but its getting better everyday. I figure the next big step to my recovery is exercise. Oh I do want to mention I am not taking these drugs alone...I go to therapy and I have severe PTSD so that kind of explains some of my issues.

I know this does not seem like a big deal to you but I literally cringe then wretch when I see this picture. I was so fucking sad too you have no idea.

This is me a few weeks ago. My weight is better, my eyes are brighter and my smile is genuine.

Here I am a few weeks ago. Where did my ass go?? Its gone.....good riddance. But I will never put my guard down again. I forgot to mention earlier too is I do a lot of hiking now because of my photography but I have such a long way to go before I can say I'm healthy mentally or physically. I take it one day at a time and am learning to just let all the crap go. I can write here about it and then leave it be. Whatever 8 million things out there that are determined to drive me insane I ignore now...or at least I'm doing a bit better.

I am thankful for second chances.

I am thankful for the beauty that surrounds me here.

I am thankful I didn't give up in September.

People and children that torment little girls that struggle with their weight suck!!

Depression sucks.

Low self esteem and self loathing suck.