A Long Year

I haven't written in awhile and that is because its been a difficult year. I am trying to get a new business off the ground and finally moved it to my house Oct. 22, 2010. The first year went pretty well and hopefully things will only get better. However on top of trying to make my business a success I am working on a new relationship and remodel a house and all the while take care of my parents that live an hour and a half away. Their health is failing miserably. I am watching my parents get worse and worse on an almost daily basis and even I am shocked. Needless to say I am back on prozac and I battle with depression because I feel like I am failing at every thing. I can't focus on just one project. I am spread so thin so I feel like every thing I do is half ass.

Not much pictures to share right now. I just need to vent my fears and frustrations or I will lose my mind.

I feel so alone and so helpless and hopeless.

Lisa

A Sick Car and a Shitty Roommate

There are some days I wake up and I truly cannot find a single reason to be happy. Now don't get me wrong, I am blessed. I have my own business that in time will make me a good living. I have wonderful friends and I live in a beautiful place but there are just sometimes when none of that is enough. Not when I continually have to overcome ridiculous odds and I have to deal with people that have no soul. It gets old after a while and my attitude starts heading south really fast.

First my car. Its a good car. I love my Mustang. She's a 2001 and I bought her for myself when I graduated college. I drove her to and from work in Williamsburg for years and she never once let me down. I drove her from Virginia to Utah twice and have taken numerous road trips in her to California. But shes getting old and has over 150,000 miles on her. So shit is starting to go wrong. For instance in a matter of two weeks I discovered I need a new exhaust manifold, a new fuel pump and filter and new brakes not to mention I am way over due for an oil change etc.... If I do not fix these things I will have to park her. I live in a fucking desert. Parking her and walking literally MILES and MILES is not an option. So shes going to cost me over 1000 dollars. I don't even have enough money to do my laundry right now and I have to come up with 1000 dollars by Friday. So now sleep is a luxury I don't seem to have as I worry and fret on how I am going to pull this off. I was thinking.....if everyone in Moab donated 25 cents to me I would have the money to fix the car. I know if I heard all I had to do was donate 25 cents to someone that really needed it I would because whats 25 cents? I lose more than that in my laundry. But life doesn't work that way and besides from my experience people generally suck.

Speaking of people who suck....my ex roommate really sucks. I am not going to mention names but when I moved in in August into this womans home I went out of my way to be a good roommate. Come to find out I could've been Martha Stewart and she still would've found a reason to lecture me on a daily basis like I was a clueless teenager. I even voluntarily uped my rent 25 dollars a month to help her out because she was working so hard and she was soooo stressed. I finally could not face another lecture or read another fucking post it note so I told her I was moving. I only stayed an additional two weeks so I could watch her dog while she went on vacation (I guess she wasn't as bad off financially as I had thought but I digress). I cleaned the place from top to bottom and left her a heart felt note thanking her for giving me a place to stay when I had no where else to go. All I needed was my deposit back which would really come in handy right now as I mentioned earlier my car is in the shop and I'm broke. She gave me my deposit back alright. She charged me two weeks rent and half the utilities even though the only reason I stayed the extra two weeks was to watch her fucking dog. This type of shit happens to me all the time. Thats why I think people suck and I would rather deal with an angry Rottweiler than back stabbing chicken shit people.

So I have vented. Everyone keeps telling me God never puts more on your plate than you can handle (thats bullshit and if I hear that one more time I'm going to hurt someone). Or "this too shall pass". Yes that may be so but it will only be replaced by something worse.

So those are my thoughts for today. Its just another crappy day and I don't feel like getting up to fight the good fight anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of bad news and I'm tired of shitty people. I'm tired of biting my tongue while others just unload their grievances on me. I'm tired of being little miss sunshine. I'm just plain tired.

Jessie and Chef School

I just wanted to share quickly some of Jessie's wonderful achievements in school. For those of you that know her know she loves to cook and she is great at it. She definitely did not get that from me but my uncle and my grandfather both are excellent chefs and my great grandfather was a gourmet chef in a 5 star hotel in California many moons ago.

She just sent me a ton of pictures of some of her dishes. I am so proud of her and would love to share with all of you her lovely presentation.

Case Solved

It took me a few days but I finally got Frankie on the phone and come to find out the empty liquor bottles were for someone else. I reminded him however if the mood ever struck him again to hand out liquor bottles to make sure they were full the next time.

They were actually for someone else. Moab is a very "cowboy and Indians" type of town. All around here John Wayne and Glen Ford made a few westerns and Thelma and Louise was filmed right in Moab and many more movies that I can't remember right now. So there is a photo store here that tourists can go to to dress up in Western attire and have their picture taken and made into a wanted poster. So the liquor bottles are props.

On to other things....lets see...the snow is melting and the sun is shining. The whole town is much busier as the tourist season begins. This month we have a few things going on such as a car show and Cowboy Poetry (don't ask).

I will be heading up to Salt Lake City this weekend to see Jess and just get away for a bit. I am sure there will be stories as a result of my trip that I will love to share

The Case of the Empty Liquor Bottles

Today has been curious and its just barely noon. I start my day visiting Hershey Bar, a chocolate lab I am pet sitting for. We eat, we drink, we read some "pee mail" and then had our "after walk" treats. I then ran up to where my horses are staying and waited for the farrier. They both were getting a "pedicure" today. Now mind you one of my girls is considered still a baby even though she is probably as big as her mother. She thinks shes teensy and bops around you when you visit. It was especially bad today because its been cold here (as you know). Ice is everywhere. Also they both are feeling a little cooped up because there has been no horse rides or much of horse anything while we get through this winter. And its first thing in the morning. So Penny Lane was "feeling it" this morning which usually means everyone better head for cover because here she comes!!! Luckily both of my girls are starting to lose their winter coat right now which means they are itchy and will sell their souls for a good brushing. Unfortunately its me against 2200 pounds of horse flesh DEMANDING a brushing. Thats good because they are easy to catch, bad because they are so bossy about it and decided to compete with each other and I'm in the middle.

Prudence was a lady about the whole thing (her pedicure) as she always is. Penny ran up and down the fence on the other side bucking and farting because Prudence was getting "all the attention". I took Prue back to their corral but Penny pushed her way through and was now loose in the big corral where the farrier and his 13 year old son was hanging out. Now Penny, up until today, has always been very gullible when it came to putting a halter on her. Not today. She seems to have put it all together. So for about 15 minutes I followed her around as she flitted here and there. I finally got her when she became preoccupied with the 13 year old boy. If no one can handle Penny we always send in the big guns...this little boy and she becomes putty in his hands.

Well Penny's pedicure went relatively well. We danced and tossed our head a bit, then we chewed on the lead rope really hard. We even decided that a noise she heard meant certain death and took off with me holding her but after we calmed back down we finished up with relatively little incident.

What in the hell does this have to do with empty liquor bottles you ask??? Well I come into work after all of that and on my grooming table I have a box. I look inside the box and there is a case of liquor bottles!!! I wasn't sure whether to burst into song or pick one of the bottles up. I maintained my composure and took out one of the bottles. It was empty. In fact they were all empty. So now I become interested in what this was all about. I ask Jessica (one of the owners for The Moab Barkery). She doesn't know so she calls Kaye (the other owner of The Moab Barkery) and she explains that Frankie D dropped off this box full of empty liquor bottles for me. Like I'm suppose to know. WTF??

Now Frankie D is the owner of Frankie D's....a nice bar in town. I went there once last November with my daughter to see an all Male Revue called the Mamas Boys. It had been awhile since I had been out and it was fun and before very long I was going home alittle green around the gills. Then I saw Frankie again with his wife when I had to clip their four Dachshunds nails. So now this.....a box of empty liquor bottles. Frankly I just don't know what to make of this. Maybe this is some local "Thank you for trimming my dogs' nails" gift. I just don't know. So I will be dropping by to see Ol' Frankie today to get to the bottom of this mystery and as soon as I know I will clue you in.

A Mail Faux Pas

Its only been an hour since my last post and already something kind of screwed up happened to me. As I mentioned in the last post Ron and I delivered my flyers out to the main downtown part of Moab.

Theres something you should know about me. I am fairly neurotic (for those of you that haven't picked up on that yet). I get these beautiful flyers made then I hesitate to post them places. Its the whole asking permission and possibly being rejected thing that usually makes me hesitate. I hate throwing myself out there to be judged and/or rejected (though I often am on both counts).

Ron decided this was a good time to learn how to get past all of that. So he enthusiastically insisted I do this. So off we went. I made him do most of the asking even though I was right beside him and its my picture screaming from the page. I did a lot of whining and grumbling but we did it. We placed these flyers all over town. If the people weren't there (it was Sunday) we slide them through doors or left them in their mail boxes outside. Ron proudly praised me the first few times with even a "See... I told you so" thrown in there. I finally threw my hand up with a silent "shut it" implied and we got through the whole experiences.

I admit I was mildly pleased and relieved by the end of the day as well. So why are you telling us this? you say.

I will tell you....I got an interesting call from the Postal Service a few minutes ago with a firm "Cease and Desist" and a patient "If you need our help we would be happy to come to some arrangement" but it was the "this is AGAINST THE LAW" that really got me.

So you can be sure when I see Ron next he will get a huge "See I TOLD YOU SO". I know this doesn't sound like a big deal but for one) I was mortified and 2) this is kind of like a rejection. OMG and WTF??????

Just thought I'd share my humiliation with you

Snow Blows

I know the last time I wrote I was bitching about the snow. That was 2 storms ago. Yes....it snowed again over the weekend but there are nothing but blue skies today and a lot of melted snow and mud. That environment has its own challenges I admit but I feel like the weather is heading in the right direction.

So in the snow storm Ron and I walked the entire downtown Moab area passing out my new fliers that are a lovely shade of purple I might add. The bottom third of my jeans were soaked but my feet were dry in my new Keens. I foot (that has bothered me for 6 years) was really whining (or that might've been me). The rest of the day was spent at home in my little room watching the second half of the Superbowl. I was pulling for the Colts (I know, I know all you Saints fans but I love Peyton Manning) so was so happy to see they were leading. I might've known as soon as I tuned in they fall a part. I use to do that to David's golf game as well so no surprise there. Congratulations to the Saints. My end of the bet I made is pretty easy to pay back so I'm ok.

This morning I went to the bone doctor and I can push back surgery a while but in the meantime he gave me a cortisone shot. First off OWWWWW!!!! I had no idea it would be so unpleasant. Then the numbness set in. But it was a weird numbness like just half of my middle toe was numb so I was kind of weirded out and am still trying to deal.

I rained dogs today as well. Thats always fun especially when they are puppies.

So not much exciting to talk about but I'm sure something will happen that I will be writing about in the future

Snow Drops are Falling on my Head

I'm over it....yes the snow!! I'm f-ing over it. One of my life long dreams was to move to Santa Barbara but as most of you know the cost of living in Santa Barbara is like a bazillion dollars. I don't know about you but frankly I don't have a bazillion dollars and I'm pretty sure I never will. Then I met Moab. No its not Santa Barbara. There is no ocean breeze or pounding surf but it has its own charm and its as close to Santa Barbara as I will ever get. Everyone here that has lived here in Moab for 20+ years assured me me and my mustang would be very happy here. As I mentioned before really anything below 77 degrees is just not pleasant for me. The locals promised me that the cold season was extremely short (approximately 2 weeks) and the rest of the time it was pretty nice.

Funny enough the minute I moved here Moab decided to have winter that was extra long and non stop snow. They even cancelled school for the first time in 30 years. The temperatures have been in the scary teens for weeks and weeks. So there has been no hiking, no main street strolling....nothing that involves being out doors because frankly they don't make winter apparel warm enough for what we have experienced here.

I have started seeing robins and little green sprouting here and there. I was feeling spring in the air and was feeling pretty good about things. Then I wake up to an odd sound. Its my neighbor Bob outside with his leaf blower blowing the snow off my car. Yes...more snow.

Now as bad as I hate the snow my sweet little mustang hates it even more. Hates it so much in fact most of the time she just gets stuck and won't move. The above picture just shows you one such tantrum that left me stranded and in trouble with all my clients who have four wheel drive and therefore thinks the whole world has four wheel drive.

So for those of you who live in Santa Barbara California...just never lose sight that you live in paradise.

Love Lisa

February Update

I apologize for not writing more frequently. When things start getting overwhelming and hectic I tend to avoid writing.

First of all my business seems to be doing well. I opened at a tough time for business due to a very definite tourist season. Even the locals shut down their finances because most of them depend so heavily on the tourist season.

There is obviously a need for a new groomer however. Like Santa Barbara California, everyone here has a dog and they love them. Even though there are no parks here that allow dogs there is still so much BLM land to run your dogs and everywhere you go there are dogs being walked or tied to a post outside while they wait for their owners to finish their coffee at the local coffee houses. Most people have been running their animals up to Grand Junction Colorado which is an hour and a half away. So the locals have been willing to "splurge" for their animals.

As far as my personal life...well its going. Jessie took a break from school to sort out her personal life and stayed in Moab. It was so great having her near me but stressful as always as well. Most of my stress stems from the fact I am not in a position to help her more when she has difficulties in her life which frustrates me and saddens me,. So she either has to suffer or my mother or David have to bail her out and that makes me feel bad because ultimately shes mine and my responsibility even at 24 years old.

The weather has pissed me off as well. I cannot handle anything outside because for most of the time the temperature has been between 14 degrees and 30 and that is NOT Lisa friendly. In fact my perfect temperature happens to be my perfect number 77. So that has meant no hikes or anything outside such as horseback riding etc...

Its funny but I had almost kicked cigarettes again when shit began to hit the fan so I'm struggling again. Smoking believe it or not is just one bad habit from my past I have not conquered yet and I'm pissed at myself. Its a tough time to be addressing this renewed cig interest as my daughters world shakes up and the other stresses that come with that and all while I am cooped up inside with little to do. I have to be busy all the time and if I'm not my pattern has been to smoke. So what to do, what to do?

On top of all of that I have given up my final chemical support which was Prozac. I have no buffer between my emotions and life and it sucks but again I'm pushing past it however ungracefully.

It has not been a comfortable time for me but I am here still alive and kicking and for today thats just got to be good enough.

Love Lisa

Swine Flu

First of all I want to say thank you to the people that responded so apologetically to my last blog. Unfortunately the people that responded with such concern are not the ones I was "blogging" to but that was to be expected. I feel horrible that I had to write such an ugly post but I feel it was a long time in the making and it needed to be finally said. Please know that is not who I am or how I feel about 99.9% of the time. This year has been about healing and personal growth for me and that was all part of my recovery.

I haven't been in touch for awhile because its been one dramatic event after another but I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful new year. I know I am looking forward to mine. I am working on a fledgling business that I grow to love more and more. I am appreciating my new friends and family more and more and am so thankful for this healthy group of loving souls that cheer me on as I continue my journey. I look forward to continuing to work on not only healing but also to overcome what I see as personal flaws. I have come so far this year and hope my progress continues.

I am so thankful for the love I have in my life. Life is too short not to recognize and embrace the grace of others. I am indeed fortunate and hope all of you find and embrace as much grace in the universe as I have.

I just did not want the year to end on such an ugly note. As for the Swine Flu....well I got it...it was ugly but I've been sicker from the regular flu in the past. Like so many other things the news likes to blow out of proportion the swine flu is no different. Yes it is definitely something to be cautious with but it is no different then some of the other flus out there. So I feel pretty much back to normal mentally and physically.

Love to all of you

Lisa

To My Virginia "Friends" Back Home

Hello everyone. Long time no talk to to most of you. I have thought about all of you this summer and have gotten so melancholy thinking about what your friendships have meant to me over the years. Some of you I have known since I was 16 years old. You guys have seen me marry twice, have a child, raise that child, go to school and get my degree then to go on and teach then work at W&M. Most of you have been there for me and have cheered me on. I use to thank God for blessing me with such wonderful and meaningful friendships.

Then I learned who my really friends are and WOW!!! There are people back in Virginia that must hate me. So I'm thinking these people were nice to my face while stabbing me in the back. Then I thought hard again about all the under handed bullshit I had to put up with since I married David to begin with. Hell....maybe if I had had better fucking friends David and I would still be married. But who the fuck knows.

In the meantime...to those of you who have decided to start a big smear campaign to destroy what relationship David and I have left....well thanks and oh FUCK YOU!!! You know who you are and so do I so please...those of you who were actually my friends and have said nothing behind my back I apologize for this note. You know who you are as well and if I ever decide to come back to Virginia you will be the ones I visit....everyone else can go fuck themselves.

This petty, childish, hurtful shit is exactly why I became a drug addict then RAN to fucking Utah to get away from. What is your problem?? I mean most of you are my age or older and to be quite frank you people are PATHETIC!!! What the fuck did I ever do to you??? I was always so fucking nice to everyone unless you back stabbed me then I just avoided you. Are your lives so empty and pathetic you feel the need to spread the misery around??

Well thanks guys...it worked. It wasn't like David and I were going through enough pain. The added doses from all of you really topped off the pain and suffering.

I never did or said anything to anyone that I wouldn't have said in front of David. I never cheated on him and if I flirted it was in front of him or I told him about it. Tequila and other narcotics will make you do stuff you might not do sober...like dancing on bar tables and making out with girls. And the funny thing none of that made the gossip grapevine. No...just the mean nasty made up or very exaggerated stuff.

I cannot begin to tell you how much this hurts me but whatever. I don't know why I am even surprised. So Merry Fucking Christmas Mother Fuckers. Tis the season to fuck over more people and make their lives unbearable. No wonder I was suicidal...Jesus H. Christ!!! Oh he'd be so proud of all of you.

So for those of you that had it out for me and told David whatever you told him it hurt me yes...but most of you mean little to nothing to me. David however really was hurt like he hasn't suffered enough. Is this your way of making people feel better?? God all of you need so much therapy Dr. Phil could just set up shop there and be busy til the day he died.

Merry Fucking Christmas and Kiss my ass!!!!

To all my other my other nice friends who have a pulse Happy Holidays and I love you all.

Lisa

Thanksgiving Hike

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend. I had a wonderful weekend. Ron and I went to a great Thanksgiving Dinner for the whole community that was free. It was put on by the Youth Garden Project and Wabi Sabi which a nonprofit group here in Moab. There were two lines; one for carnivores and the other for herbivores so I was safe eating in my new vegetarian state (about a year now).

This weekend I got together with Ron and my wonderful friends Rodger and Dana who are nurses here. I met them when I was working at The Peace Tree. We first went and saw some great petroglyphs that Ron knew about. They were pretty cool and included an owl.

After we found the owl we decided to go hiking up Moonflower trail to try and find a Mastodon Petroglyph Ron had been trying to find about a year. I frankly didn't believe it existed. This isn't an area you would expect to see any evidence of Mammoths but we all indulged Ron and

went on an adventure becaus

e it was a beautiful day and we were all just excited to be outside. So off we went and we saw many wonderful petroglyphs but no Mastodons. We found one canyon that had a very small waterfall remnant. I can't wait to see it during the rainy season here (we're in a desert so I use that term lightly).

From this picture you can see how vast and majestic this countryside is. If I went out every weekend to go hiking from now on I would probably not be able to see all there is here. But I'm going to die trying.

Here is that little waterfall and oasis we found. I'm thinking a great place to skinny dip!!

After a long hike with no Mastodon in site I thought I would take my new hiking boots and find an easy trail back down off the cliffs. I had Indigo the sweet dog walking with me and off I went. Well I discovered over and over everything ended off a cliff with no way to get down. After a while I noticed I was alone. No Indigo....no Dana....no Rodger....no Ron. Hmmmm. Okay so I realized I was on my own. Now mind you a mere few months ago I was terrified of heights and cliffs and rocks ....you get the picture but I'm feeling pretty brave in my new hiking boots so off I go. The only thing I was worried about was I figured Ron would be pretty worried about me. I finally found a jeep trail down and I walked the long way back to the car. On the way I looked over in a field and the three cutest Donkeys were following along beside me. So I stopped and made friends of course

.

These are the cutest faces!! The Donkeys...not Rodger and Dana...well actually they are pretty cute too!!!

Finally Ron came jogging up to the car. We found Rodger and Dana and went off to shovel banana splits in our gut.

The next day Ron and I went one more time to try and find that stupid Mastodon but now we had to find a Bear as well. Ron talks to locals at the coffee shop next door to my studio and they always have these tall tales of this and that. But I was fine because once again it was a beautiful day. After a fairly short hike there it was......the MASTODON!!! What the hell?? Maybe there were Mammoths down this far.Then when we were ready to give up on the Bear (yes I was a believer by this time) there the Bear was. These two petroglyphs are so unique in this area and

very exciting to see.

Reflecting on What I Am Thankful of

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I sit here so full from my dinner and am waking up from a food coma having coffee. Ron is next to me but on his way out. He's been on call this weekend (he is a psychotherapist) and he's had several calls. It just shows how many of us struggle during the holidays such as this one. I know I too have been there so many times and to be quite frank was terrified of this one. I am pleased to tell you that its been a wonderful day.

Ron wrote an article about the alarming trends in anti-depressants and the amount of people taking them. I being one of them. I always swore I would never go on them but eventually gave up the fight last year as suicide seemed to be looming ever closer at my door. I have wanted off them for a while now but my doctor here in Moab wants me to wait just a bit more than I will go off them gradually. With all the ups and downs and continued stress I am undergoing she just didn't feel it was safe.

I was wondering if Europeans or South Americans or Canadians had the same statistics about anti-depressants or is this a North American phenomena. I know our health system has become a legal drug pusher program. Doctors don't even touch you anymore or look in your nose or anything. They sit down in front of their computer screens and print out a prescription without making eye contact anymore. Is is like that all over the world or is it just here?

As I read what Ron wrote he basically brought up ideas on how to move past the saddens and embrace the wonder of life. I have been learning to do that for the first time this summer and I love it. Don't get me wrong...I oftentimes suck at it. For those of you that know me know I can be a bit doom and gloom at times because lets face it....thats just been my life experience. But reading what he wrote made me think on my life and for the first time in my life ever I really feel blessed and am beginning to love who I am. Yeah...I know I'm weird and attract strange people in my life and have weird taste on almost everything but I am who I am and I'm beginning to see that its not such a bad thing. I add color to this already very colorful town called Moab and that suits me just fine. I don't even stick out.

I have been reflecting the last week on what is really important to me. I find prestige and affluence is not super important. As long as I can pay my bills without having to have my mother help me out all the time would be super great. That is coming more and more. So instead I am very thankful for my mother. She has sacrificed countless hours of sleep worrying about me this summer and all the help she has had to give me. Two such huge examples of that is she paid for my gall bladder surgery and then she invested in my business and has supported me until I could support myself. I hope one day I can make all of this up to her. I try to tell her I see all she does and I am so appreciative but I will never be able to express to her what that support has meant to me.

I am thankful for my daughter who is my best friend. She and I have been through so much together and have learned and grown and fucked up together so much. We've never really been mother and daughter. Sisters is more like it but sometimes shes my mom and sometimes I'm hers. Sometimes its love/hate and sometimes its a love that is indescribable. I am proud of her for surviving the adversity life has continue to throw at her. She has grown into a beautiful woman with a fabulous future in front of her in the world of Culinary Arts. She is beautiful, intelligent and the funniest person I know and I know she puts on a tough act but her heart is three times too big and she does what she has to to protect it.

I am thankful for my Ron. He is one of the most intriguing and genuine people I have ever met. He has forced me to be honest about myself to myself and to him. We love our time together just sitting and reading, talking, driving or hiking. I could just gaze into his eyes all day and I love to make him smile. I have never felt so loved and safe in my whole life. Since we have come to know each other I have been able to wrap his love around me like a warm safe cocoon and I have blossomed under his care. I can't imagine how I survived this long without him. Its funny though since I have met him I am stronger now than ever. Anyway this kind of love and bond is as close to unconditional love as one could ever hope to find.

I could write for hours on all that I am thankful for but those are the big ones and for the first time since I was 7 years old I can say I am really happy. Genuinely and truly happy. I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and can look around you as I have done and find yourself surrounded with love and peace.

Love Lisa

A Long Hard Summer

I thought I would write a brief synopsis on what I have been up to. I think most of you know I have been heading for the mid life crisis of the century for quite some time. Well I found it June 13th and have been pretty much been dealing with the ups and downs of that decision for quite sometime.
I left my marriage of 12 years. That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done but I want everyone to know (and this is really important) I didn't do it to hurt David. I did it to save me. He and I are still good friends and living with the pain I have put him through is something I struggle with daily.
I have struggled with depression and all that went with it for years and I pretty much had decided the burden of living was just too much. I planned my final act of checking out when just hours before I was going to do it a friend called and offered to talk. That saved my life and I have never been more sure about living than I am now. I just needed to see life from a new perspective and I for once needed to put me first and do what I needed and wanted to do. Unfortunately the "needs"and "wants" aren't alwys so clear.
Okay so I live in Moab and I have just started my own grooming business called Holistic Pet Grooming Studio. I do Animal Reiki and Dog Training as well and I love it. Its so nice to be working with animals again because anyone that knows me knows I love animals and I pretty much think people suck for the most part.
The sad thing is I lost Elliot (my beloved gelding) the end of August two days before I lost gall bladder. Of course this was after I was told I had a lump in my left breast. Something that I need to keep an eye they said. Two weeks before I opened my business I lost my best friend Alexandra the Greatest. I don't think I recovered from these losses yet and I'm not sure when I will be okay again.
In the meantime I have made wonderful friends here in Moaband have a wonderful man in m life. That very friend that saved my life early in the summer. His name is Ron and he has given me a new lease on life.
For now that is what I have but you will hear from me daily as I continue my journey for better or worse.

Today I am grateful for Ron.
Today I am grateful I hve such a bond with animals.
Today I am grateful I am still breathing.

New post

Everything I want to say I just said in my other blog. If you want to know whats going on just got to

www.moorefuninplanetutah.blogspot.com

It explains a lot and perhaps sheds too much light on my brain while I fight addiction at this time. I also would go into other things more here but its that time of the morning when I have to turn off the computer, fix myself up so I don't scare anybody and act like an adult and go to work. I don't want to but I'm not alone...nobody likes to do what I must now do. So I say ADIEU (sp?) and I will leave you with this thought...........


"Each individual has an opportunity to make a difference"
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

But this reminds me of the next topic I must share with you. My new healing sanctuary for animals. Its wacky and awesome. Until then ......

Computer issues

I just posted a page on my other blog moore fun in planet utah about a bowel story. Its rather funny and I highly recommend you read it. This blog however I will discuss my unfortunate accident last night.
As I was shutting down for the night I accidentally knocked over a glass of wine. Some landed on the keyboard but nothing to write home about. I carefully wiped it off, shut it off, went to bed and prayed like hell. I got up at 3:30am confident all was well with my lifeline. I turned it on and it worked beautifully. Until I tried to type in my facebook user and password. The keyboard was not responding. So for two hours I did everything. I even called my hp tech support but once he discovered I had let my warranty expire (which I had no clue about) he basically told me he could not (or would not) help me. He finally hung up and at that moment I decided my next computer would be a Dell.
All I could do was to walk out to my living room, flop down in a pout on my chaise and watched an episode of The Unit I had Tivoed. When my husband got up he knew by the mere fact I was reading and not facebooking. I tried to be brave but he could see I was in crisis so he made a call to the first guy we use to do computer maintenance. Once he got on the phone David handed me the phone. I was like "Hey Rodney...hope I'm not disturbing you at this early hour" He said "Well I was trying to get ready for work......" and I said "Super!! let me tell you whats going on..." and I told him. He told me to buy a new keyboard and basically hung up on me. Well that's not at all what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to say "Oh...you must've locked your keyboard or turned it off when you wiped your computer down" I really wanted to hear how I could push ctrl-alt-keyboard special fixer upper key and I would be back in business. So I made my husband call another friend...my cousin actually....who just had a baby this weekend. Once again Dave threw the phone at me like it was a hot potato and Jay answered. He was a little more friendly (however in my mind I could see this conversation...Hey Jay hope I'm not calling to early" and he'd say...well I just got back to sleep from the 4 o'clock feeding" and I would say "awesome your up...let me explain.." but I didn't have to do that song and dance). He did say....order a new keyboard and I will install it but in the meantime use another keyboard, just plug it in to your notebook as long as it has a USB port. I was ecstatic!! I went with Dave to feed the horses, got my mother to read my friends Beth's blog which was the funniest shit I have ever read and finally we raced to our storage unit to find the many keyboards I knew was in there.
Yep...they were there and all of them had the round plug...not USB. So I run to Alco (a store here that takes the place of Wal-Mart in small towns but is not really very well stocked). I was floored...they had everything else but no keyboards. Finally I made Dave go get my moms computer while she is out getting her hair done.
Now throughout this whole morning I noticed Dave was biting his tongue to keep from giving me the Big Lecture. He finally couldn't take it and blurted out "Now what have we learned from this? Maybe that there should be a no food and drink policy around the computer?" I could've gone the rest of my life without hearing that. But I have to admit if anything called for a lecture its spilling wine on a keyboard on the only computer in the house that just so happens to be a laptop.

So at this point I'm writing on my mothers computer while we brainstorm on how we can fix this before Lisa loses it.

"The very purpose of our lives is happiness and joyfulness. That is very clear. "
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Intuitive Energy and Healing Workshop

I was going to write about this in my other blog (the tame one) but I decided against it because once again some people may be uncertain about the things I talk about in this post. Its a Lisa perhaps I will keep hidden from many because of their lack of understanding. But the real Lisa...the Unleashed Lisa doesn't give a crap what anyone thinks and shes just thrilled she had a life changing weekend.
First of all this woman, Timmilyn, was found by my doctor who had a reading done as a gift from her father. My Doctor is also my dear friend I have come to find out and shes also a beautiful artist in nature photography. www.annaday.com
Timmilyn was invited down to give a work shop because she had changed Anna's life and she thought she could help people here. www.timmilynmoller.com

Basically what I found out and put together was this:
Everyone has the ability to see things or be gifted in other ways. Before the rise of Christianity most people lived extremely close to nature incorporating it and all its signs into their everyday life. They had no choice. Technology was very limited then as you know. They lived right with nature and used descriptive myths to help illustrate their beliefs. These are known as the pagan religions or natural religions but they are also all the old Oral Traditions passed down from one generation to the next.
Once the Roman Emperor discovered he would be able to control the masses if he just joined them instead of fighting the Christians. Many pagan rituals and ceremonies and beliefs were incorporated into the new christian religion this emperor decided to keep it all organized he'd gather all the great scholars of the time and these scholars would write the official Christian Bible. Some things were omitted completely. Many of these omitted ancient scrolls have been since discovered and Christianity is once again going through a bit of a flux.
Many people that have read these old scrolls believe these are the true words of Christ and that the bible written at the Nicene meeting was really just the words of man. I believe both are true and correct if you just read what was meant to be conveyed instead of the literal belief. However that is neither here nor there...that is why I have titled myself a Buddhist Christian. I believe in Christ but I believe in the Christ I knew studied in the East before he turned 30.
Now my point to all this is....this time of flux has seen a renewal of eastern medicine and the renewal of a more natural religion.
This woman basically said we are all capable of the special gifts and sights and knowledge that we all have. Its like a muscle that never gets worked...it shrivels away and does nothing but if you start working that muscle eventually it comes back strong. That is our 6th sense...our intuition. How many of us has heard the little voice inside that warns you not to do something but you go ahead and do it and always regret it. That is our sight, our gift etc....everyone is different but we all have the ability to tap into our intuition more than you can ever know. It was proven to me and I can do it. I learned all these wonderful meditations that bring on these answers for you and they are always right and true. Like I said it was life changing and I will of course answer any specific questions but I will leave it there. Just know I studied the auras, chakras, spiral healing, meditating, and many other things this weekend and I feel so peaceful and serene and enlightened. I feel as if I have walked out of a thick fog and can finally see what I knew was there. My psychic abilities are especially strong around animals which I've always known and today through a series of really weird events I know exactly what I need to do with my life...what a fucking relief you have no idea!!! it will take me a few years but that's okay...I will be finally working towards a goal that I have been searching for my whole life. I also am getting to know me and all of a sudden I am not concerned how people see me. Its out of my hands...but the more true I am to myself the more true I can be to everyone.

Thanks for listening and I can handle mild ribbing...lets just not get nasty!! ;-)

I am thankful for myself
I am thankful for the answers I found this weekend
I am thankful for all the new friends I have made

People who judge me harshly suck
People who hurt others suck
People who ridicule others when they don't understand something suck

Unfortunate

I have been censored people. I have to admit Dave has a point but I have been censored!! My first draft of this blog had to be deleted because we live in a very small town and my husband's business and us as a whole depend on a good name. Up until this blog there were only a tiny few who knew my political views. I am not kidding when I say that if I was busted knocking an old lady over the head for her pain meds I would be forgiven. If however it was discovered I was a democrat that was actually born in California that I was almost psycho (not Green Peace crazy or PETA psycho...but close) about the environment and all that went with that I would be run out of town if I was lucky.
There was an article in the paper that was so distasteful, degrading, and horrifying I am at a loss for words. I scanned the article and began my piece about the unforgivable things this person said. Then David walked by. It broke his heart to try to get me to see reason. Though I am positive no one locally reads this blog there is a chance...albeit small. However, it just takes one tiny little person to set the gossip fields ablaze.
If anyone from here read what I was prepared to say we would more than likely be bankrupt. Let me also say (a disclaimer if you will) that the views expressed in this blog are mine and mine alone. My husband is very supportive of my opinions but he doesn't necessarily agree with a lot of them. I am not going to go in to who he voted for or what he thinks because that is not my place. If David wanted his views expressed he'd write his own damn blog. The opinions in THIS blog are mine and mine alone hence Lisa Unleashed.

If however you are very curious about what the article says and do not live locally or know anybody locally then I will send a copy of the article via snail mail.

I know it broke my husbands heart to discourage me and I feel bad because I snapped at him. Actually all of this is so funny. Before I went to college I could've cared less about anything. I would never get in a heated debate about anything much less politics. I just realized I really feel strongly about this and it feels good. I remain true and loyal to what I know to be true and really that's really what its all about. Perhaps I should cut this individual some slack that wrote the article. He has every right to feel as strongly about what he knows to be true as I do to mine. However.......this is big.....I never insult, hurt, humiliate or belittle anyone for their opinions. Unfortunately that is EXACTLY what this individual did to me and people that feel the same way as I do.

I am thankful that I am so educated that I am no longer ignorant of the world.
I am thankful for a husband that believes in me even when he has to put out the fire for all of our good.
I am thankful for the hay that was delivered to my horses today.

I think people that insult and hurt other people suck.
I think judgemental people suck.
I think necessary censorship sucks.

A Response to my friend Beths Blog

My friend Beth wrote a blog that was in response of her new profile photo. You have never seen abs on a girl like this one...I'm telling you they are beautiful. I look at her and she is the perfect specimen of an athletic woman...oh and like me shes 42. I would love to put her blogs address up here but I don't feel comfortable doing that without her permission and I'm in writing mode now so its too late to ask.

I, like Beth, am blessed with a naturally thin body. In fact, I've always been a bit underweight but that's what was truly comfortable to me. I rarely can say I live to eat. I'm that girl that just eats to live (unless its Greek food or something out of the ordinary and really freaking good). However, I have watched my mother on one side of me and my daughter on the other side struggle their whole lives with their weight. I however take after my mothers mother...my Granny Danny .....who had men whistling at her until she was well into her sixties. In fact, when I went out to Catalina for her funeral I was sitting in a bar afterwards and started talking to these two local gentlemen and when they realized who my grandmother was all they could say was "TITS!!!" She and I wore the same size clothes (around 3's) when I would visit her. So my point to all of that was it skips generations in my family. Jessie's children should have no problems and I don't know if its nature vs. nurture but thats a topic for another time.

Okay...so ....back to me. I was there when Beth started her gymnastics. I tried so hard. I wanted to be just like her. We both tried out for the team and I got to be a spotter...nice eh? But Beth was like an angel on that mat. I was skinny but not exactly graceful...In fact, I'm still the clumsiest person anyone knows. But put me on the back of a horse and I rode like nobodies business. I was terrified of heights with gymnastics but there was no horse to big for me. That believe it or not is one hell of a workout...especially cross country.

But I was stupid....I got into boys when Beth was working on her future. I was batting my eyes to anyone that walked by. I LOVED BOYS!!!!! But boys can sometimes make you feel very self conscious. I thought I was so ugly and deformed looking so I stopped eating. By the time I met my first husband (Satan...again that's a topic for another blog) I weighed 76 pounds. I was anorexic. I had bleeding ulcers and all kinds of problems by the time I was 18. I got pregnant and gained 50 pounds. The doctor would berate me and my mother would lose it because she was so afraid I'd stop eating. I didn't. I had a healthy 9 pound baby girl and when I went back to my first Dr's. appointment after the baby was born I weighed 101. I looked good and felt good.

My work has always been very physical because I have always worked with animals. I groomed animals in D.C for 10 years and I was a dog trainer. I could wrestle vicious Rottweilers for a living and I stayed in shape.

Then I divorced and lost everything but my sanity and I moved down to Tidewater Virginia. I started school then and worked on my degree in Biology. One of my classes was a mandatory PE class. I thought that was so stupid so I picked something easy like Power Walking. Well from all the down time studying I did put on a few pounds but I only weighed 122. But it was 122 of nothing but adipose I can promise you. The power walking nearly killed me until by the end of the semester I could walk 6 miles in 45 minutes. I loved it and I started feeling so much better.

After school I had a year of down time. I became extremely depressed (my daughter was killing me at the time...another blog) so I dabble in some drugs. Its not important what kind but it was the kind that made it so you had no appetite. I got skinny again but in that year I had gotten up to 138. I was devastated. My whole point of living was to be skinny and have a good body. All of a sudden as I was getting older the weight was beginning to find a home on my body and I hated it. Then I got my act together and started teaching at Thomas Nelson Community College and then I got that position running the animal research department at The College of William and Mary. I LOVED that job. But it was 7 days a week Christmas, Easter, rain, shine, it didn't matter I had 10,000 animals depending on me and only me. So I weighed 115. I was happy. Then I moved to Utah to help out with my ailing parents. Then I started teaching high school and there literally was no time to do any exercise unless I could do it grading papers and writing lectures. You know what I could do at the same time? Smoke. Then I had to eventually take a medical leave of absence (another blog) and was very, very sick. I could keep nothing in my body (even water) for a month. I landed in the hospital and because of stress I had ulcerative colitis and the beginnings of Crohn's Disease. I had drank some water at the school on the Indian reservation and it was apparently untreated. I got ghiardea (sp?) but once that got cleared up my body didn't fix itself. It just kept rejecting everything I put in my body. For those of you that have certain digestive problems take three acidophiles a day and you will be fine. It took a year for me but I got better but I was also really, really depressed this time. Borderline suicidal and I topped out at 158. I hated myself. I hated life. I hated getting older. I had a complete metal breakdown from a lot of other things that were going on in my life.When things got as bad as David was willing to risk I took off for California and Oregon for 2 weeks just driving and crashing on peoples couches...it was awesome. Then when I got home I went to my doctor and asked for help. After trying a few meds, Prozac worked for me. I also struggle with a very painful debilitating disease. So with the Prozac I take methadone. I am finally back to normal. I weigh 120. I feel so good and its easier to ride so I ride more. I've noticed my legs and my belly are actually getting muscles. I am going to put a picture up here I swore I would show NO ONE!!! In fact, the other day I went to delete it but I couldn't. It was taken at the lowest point in my life and I want to remind myself never to let that happen again.

I tell you all this because my story is the one you should NOT follow. I am still struggling. Because I was such a Klutz I was afraid of PE. I HATED IT. The only thing I wanted to do was ride. I'm good at it but is it because I love animals and have an almost psychic relationship with them or was that my main sport because that how my body was built and it does better on horses? I have no clue. I know I never get tired when I am working with a large animal.

Is my mother overweight because her mother made such a big deal about her weight or am I and my grandmother so skinny because we've watched my mom and Jess struggle? I don't know. I know while my daughter was growing up, besides the urge to strangle every child that was mean to her (which was all of them), I would've given ANYTHING if I could have put the weight on me so she could be skinny. You cannot even begin to imagine how bad my daughter was tortured. I finally found a doctor who took me seriously and found what was wrong with Jess. Her little ovaries looked like grape clusters. She was getting absolutely no estrogen. How do we fix that you ask? Birth Control pills. What happened you ask?Jessie lost a ton of weight and looked stunning. In fact all those guys that made her feel like she was not even good enough for them to wipe their feet on all of a sudden were all over her. That must've been great you say! No....NO it wasn't. What would a normal insecure teen age girl do when she lost all her weight and she coincidentally was on birth control? Instead of telling them all to kiss her ass instead she just gave it to them. How did that turn out you ask? Well...if she had low self esteem before it is 5000 times worse now. But that my friends is also for another blog.

I guess the moral of my story is.....exercise is so important not just for your body but also for your mind. Especially for your mind. I am going to enter a triathlon next march. I will run. I am terrified!!! I have a year to train. Now first I have to quit smoking and then start very slowly so I don't just keel over in the street. If I had never started trying to be cool for boys, I would've had a better opinion of myself and higher standards. I might've avoided the drugs, the cigs, the plummeting low self esteem and I probably would be some famous Horse person or whatever. But no. So I hope you can learn from my story. There are so many lessons in this one blog.

That's why I crack up when I hear Beth is ever self conscious. I don't wear shorts. Never have....never will. My cankles are my business. I love the way Beth can just accept and love herself. Not me. I'm still going through my midlife crisis but its getting better everyday. I figure the next big step to my recovery is exercise. Oh I do want to mention I am not taking these drugs alone...I go to therapy and I have severe PTSD so that kind of explains some of my issues.

I know this does not seem like a big deal to you but I literally cringe then wretch when I see this picture. I was so fucking sad too you have no idea.

This is me a few weeks ago. My weight is better, my eyes are brighter and my smile is genuine.

Here I am a few weeks ago. Where did my ass go?? Its gone.....good riddance. But I will never put my guard down again. I forgot to mention earlier too is I do a lot of hiking now because of my photography but I have such a long way to go before I can say I'm healthy mentally or physically. I take it one day at a time and am learning to just let all the crap go. I can write here about it and then leave it be. Whatever 8 million things out there that are determined to drive me insane I ignore now...or at least I'm doing a bit better.

I am thankful for second chances.

I am thankful for the beauty that surrounds me here.

I am thankful I didn't give up in September.

People and children that torment little girls that struggle with their weight suck!!

Depression sucks.

Low self esteem and self loathing suck.

I forgot to say:

I am thankful for my husband
I am thankful for my friends
I am thankful for my job

I think the death of a friend really sucks
I think close minded people suck
I think 50 mph winds definately suck!!