Swine Flu

First of all I want to say thank you to the people that responded so apologetically to my last blog. Unfortunately the people that responded with such concern are not the ones I was "blogging" to but that was to be expected. I feel horrible that I had to write such an ugly post but I feel it was a long time in the making and it needed to be finally said. Please know that is not who I am or how I feel about 99.9% of the time. This year has been about healing and personal growth for me and that was all part of my recovery.

I haven't been in touch for awhile because its been one dramatic event after another but I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful new year. I know I am looking forward to mine. I am working on a fledgling business that I grow to love more and more. I am appreciating my new friends and family more and more and am so thankful for this healthy group of loving souls that cheer me on as I continue my journey. I look forward to continuing to work on not only healing but also to overcome what I see as personal flaws. I have come so far this year and hope my progress continues.

I am so thankful for the love I have in my life. Life is too short not to recognize and embrace the grace of others. I am indeed fortunate and hope all of you find and embrace as much grace in the universe as I have.

I just did not want the year to end on such an ugly note. As for the Swine Flu....well I got it...it was ugly but I've been sicker from the regular flu in the past. Like so many other things the news likes to blow out of proportion the swine flu is no different. Yes it is definitely something to be cautious with but it is no different then some of the other flus out there. So I feel pretty much back to normal mentally and physically.

Love to all of you

Lisa

To My Virginia "Friends" Back Home

Hello everyone. Long time no talk to to most of you. I have thought about all of you this summer and have gotten so melancholy thinking about what your friendships have meant to me over the years. Some of you I have known since I was 16 years old. You guys have seen me marry twice, have a child, raise that child, go to school and get my degree then to go on and teach then work at W&M. Most of you have been there for me and have cheered me on. I use to thank God for blessing me with such wonderful and meaningful friendships.

Then I learned who my really friends are and WOW!!! There are people back in Virginia that must hate me. So I'm thinking these people were nice to my face while stabbing me in the back. Then I thought hard again about all the under handed bullshit I had to put up with since I married David to begin with. Hell....maybe if I had had better fucking friends David and I would still be married. But who the fuck knows.

In the meantime...to those of you who have decided to start a big smear campaign to destroy what relationship David and I have left....well thanks and oh FUCK YOU!!! You know who you are and so do I so please...those of you who were actually my friends and have said nothing behind my back I apologize for this note. You know who you are as well and if I ever decide to come back to Virginia you will be the ones I visit....everyone else can go fuck themselves.

This petty, childish, hurtful shit is exactly why I became a drug addict then RAN to fucking Utah to get away from. What is your problem?? I mean most of you are my age or older and to be quite frank you people are PATHETIC!!! What the fuck did I ever do to you??? I was always so fucking nice to everyone unless you back stabbed me then I just avoided you. Are your lives so empty and pathetic you feel the need to spread the misery around??

Well thanks guys...it worked. It wasn't like David and I were going through enough pain. The added doses from all of you really topped off the pain and suffering.

I never did or said anything to anyone that I wouldn't have said in front of David. I never cheated on him and if I flirted it was in front of him or I told him about it. Tequila and other narcotics will make you do stuff you might not do sober...like dancing on bar tables and making out with girls. And the funny thing none of that made the gossip grapevine. No...just the mean nasty made up or very exaggerated stuff.

I cannot begin to tell you how much this hurts me but whatever. I don't know why I am even surprised. So Merry Fucking Christmas Mother Fuckers. Tis the season to fuck over more people and make their lives unbearable. No wonder I was suicidal...Jesus H. Christ!!! Oh he'd be so proud of all of you.

So for those of you that had it out for me and told David whatever you told him it hurt me yes...but most of you mean little to nothing to me. David however really was hurt like he hasn't suffered enough. Is this your way of making people feel better?? God all of you need so much therapy Dr. Phil could just set up shop there and be busy til the day he died.

Merry Fucking Christmas and Kiss my ass!!!!

To all my other my other nice friends who have a pulse Happy Holidays and I love you all.

Lisa

Thanksgiving Hike

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend. I had a wonderful weekend. Ron and I went to a great Thanksgiving Dinner for the whole community that was free. It was put on by the Youth Garden Project and Wabi Sabi which a nonprofit group here in Moab. There were two lines; one for carnivores and the other for herbivores so I was safe eating in my new vegetarian state (about a year now).

This weekend I got together with Ron and my wonderful friends Rodger and Dana who are nurses here. I met them when I was working at The Peace Tree. We first went and saw some great petroglyphs that Ron knew about. They were pretty cool and included an owl.

After we found the owl we decided to go hiking up Moonflower trail to try and find a Mastodon Petroglyph Ron had been trying to find about a year. I frankly didn't believe it existed. This isn't an area you would expect to see any evidence of Mammoths but we all indulged Ron and

went on an adventure becaus

e it was a beautiful day and we were all just excited to be outside. So off we went and we saw many wonderful petroglyphs but no Mastodons. We found one canyon that had a very small waterfall remnant. I can't wait to see it during the rainy season here (we're in a desert so I use that term lightly).

From this picture you can see how vast and majestic this countryside is. If I went out every weekend to go hiking from now on I would probably not be able to see all there is here. But I'm going to die trying.

Here is that little waterfall and oasis we found. I'm thinking a great place to skinny dip!!

After a long hike with no Mastodon in site I thought I would take my new hiking boots and find an easy trail back down off the cliffs. I had Indigo the sweet dog walking with me and off I went. Well I discovered over and over everything ended off a cliff with no way to get down. After a while I noticed I was alone. No Indigo....no Dana....no Rodger....no Ron. Hmmmm. Okay so I realized I was on my own. Now mind you a mere few months ago I was terrified of heights and cliffs and rocks ....you get the picture but I'm feeling pretty brave in my new hiking boots so off I go. The only thing I was worried about was I figured Ron would be pretty worried about me. I finally found a jeep trail down and I walked the long way back to the car. On the way I looked over in a field and the three cutest Donkeys were following along beside me. So I stopped and made friends of course

.

These are the cutest faces!! The Donkeys...not Rodger and Dana...well actually they are pretty cute too!!!

Finally Ron came jogging up to the car. We found Rodger and Dana and went off to shovel banana splits in our gut.

The next day Ron and I went one more time to try and find that stupid Mastodon but now we had to find a Bear as well. Ron talks to locals at the coffee shop next door to my studio and they always have these tall tales of this and that. But I was fine because once again it was a beautiful day. After a fairly short hike there it was......the MASTODON!!! What the hell?? Maybe there were Mammoths down this far.Then when we were ready to give up on the Bear (yes I was a believer by this time) there the Bear was. These two petroglyphs are so unique in this area and

very exciting to see.

Reflecting on What I Am Thankful of

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I sit here so full from my dinner and am waking up from a food coma having coffee. Ron is next to me but on his way out. He's been on call this weekend (he is a psychotherapist) and he's had several calls. It just shows how many of us struggle during the holidays such as this one. I know I too have been there so many times and to be quite frank was terrified of this one. I am pleased to tell you that its been a wonderful day.

Ron wrote an article about the alarming trends in anti-depressants and the amount of people taking them. I being one of them. I always swore I would never go on them but eventually gave up the fight last year as suicide seemed to be looming ever closer at my door. I have wanted off them for a while now but my doctor here in Moab wants me to wait just a bit more than I will go off them gradually. With all the ups and downs and continued stress I am undergoing she just didn't feel it was safe.

I was wondering if Europeans or South Americans or Canadians had the same statistics about anti-depressants or is this a North American phenomena. I know our health system has become a legal drug pusher program. Doctors don't even touch you anymore or look in your nose or anything. They sit down in front of their computer screens and print out a prescription without making eye contact anymore. Is is like that all over the world or is it just here?

As I read what Ron wrote he basically brought up ideas on how to move past the saddens and embrace the wonder of life. I have been learning to do that for the first time this summer and I love it. Don't get me wrong...I oftentimes suck at it. For those of you that know me know I can be a bit doom and gloom at times because lets face it....thats just been my life experience. But reading what he wrote made me think on my life and for the first time in my life ever I really feel blessed and am beginning to love who I am. Yeah...I know I'm weird and attract strange people in my life and have weird taste on almost everything but I am who I am and I'm beginning to see that its not such a bad thing. I add color to this already very colorful town called Moab and that suits me just fine. I don't even stick out.

I have been reflecting the last week on what is really important to me. I find prestige and affluence is not super important. As long as I can pay my bills without having to have my mother help me out all the time would be super great. That is coming more and more. So instead I am very thankful for my mother. She has sacrificed countless hours of sleep worrying about me this summer and all the help she has had to give me. Two such huge examples of that is she paid for my gall bladder surgery and then she invested in my business and has supported me until I could support myself. I hope one day I can make all of this up to her. I try to tell her I see all she does and I am so appreciative but I will never be able to express to her what that support has meant to me.

I am thankful for my daughter who is my best friend. She and I have been through so much together and have learned and grown and fucked up together so much. We've never really been mother and daughter. Sisters is more like it but sometimes shes my mom and sometimes I'm hers. Sometimes its love/hate and sometimes its a love that is indescribable. I am proud of her for surviving the adversity life has continue to throw at her. She has grown into a beautiful woman with a fabulous future in front of her in the world of Culinary Arts. She is beautiful, intelligent and the funniest person I know and I know she puts on a tough act but her heart is three times too big and she does what she has to to protect it.

I am thankful for my Ron. He is one of the most intriguing and genuine people I have ever met. He has forced me to be honest about myself to myself and to him. We love our time together just sitting and reading, talking, driving or hiking. I could just gaze into his eyes all day and I love to make him smile. I have never felt so loved and safe in my whole life. Since we have come to know each other I have been able to wrap his love around me like a warm safe cocoon and I have blossomed under his care. I can't imagine how I survived this long without him. Its funny though since I have met him I am stronger now than ever. Anyway this kind of love and bond is as close to unconditional love as one could ever hope to find.

I could write for hours on all that I am thankful for but those are the big ones and for the first time since I was 7 years old I can say I am really happy. Genuinely and truly happy. I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and can look around you as I have done and find yourself surrounded with love and peace.

Love Lisa

A Long Hard Summer

I thought I would write a brief synopsis on what I have been up to. I think most of you know I have been heading for the mid life crisis of the century for quite some time. Well I found it June 13th and have been pretty much been dealing with the ups and downs of that decision for quite sometime.
I left my marriage of 12 years. That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done but I want everyone to know (and this is really important) I didn't do it to hurt David. I did it to save me. He and I are still good friends and living with the pain I have put him through is something I struggle with daily.
I have struggled with depression and all that went with it for years and I pretty much had decided the burden of living was just too much. I planned my final act of checking out when just hours before I was going to do it a friend called and offered to talk. That saved my life and I have never been more sure about living than I am now. I just needed to see life from a new perspective and I for once needed to put me first and do what I needed and wanted to do. Unfortunately the "needs"and "wants" aren't alwys so clear.
Okay so I live in Moab and I have just started my own grooming business called Holistic Pet Grooming Studio. I do Animal Reiki and Dog Training as well and I love it. Its so nice to be working with animals again because anyone that knows me knows I love animals and I pretty much think people suck for the most part.
The sad thing is I lost Elliot (my beloved gelding) the end of August two days before I lost gall bladder. Of course this was after I was told I had a lump in my left breast. Something that I need to keep an eye they said. Two weeks before I opened my business I lost my best friend Alexandra the Greatest. I don't think I recovered from these losses yet and I'm not sure when I will be okay again.
In the meantime I have made wonderful friends here in Moaband have a wonderful man in m life. That very friend that saved my life early in the summer. His name is Ron and he has given me a new lease on life.
For now that is what I have but you will hear from me daily as I continue my journey for better or worse.

Today I am grateful for Ron.
Today I am grateful I hve such a bond with animals.
Today I am grateful I am still breathing.

New post

Everything I want to say I just said in my other blog. If you want to know whats going on just got to

www.moorefuninplanetutah.blogspot.com

It explains a lot and perhaps sheds too much light on my brain while I fight addiction at this time. I also would go into other things more here but its that time of the morning when I have to turn off the computer, fix myself up so I don't scare anybody and act like an adult and go to work. I don't want to but I'm not alone...nobody likes to do what I must now do. So I say ADIEU (sp?) and I will leave you with this thought...........


"Each individual has an opportunity to make a difference"
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

But this reminds me of the next topic I must share with you. My new healing sanctuary for animals. Its wacky and awesome. Until then ......

Computer issues

I just posted a page on my other blog moore fun in planet utah about a bowel story. Its rather funny and I highly recommend you read it. This blog however I will discuss my unfortunate accident last night.
As I was shutting down for the night I accidentally knocked over a glass of wine. Some landed on the keyboard but nothing to write home about. I carefully wiped it off, shut it off, went to bed and prayed like hell. I got up at 3:30am confident all was well with my lifeline. I turned it on and it worked beautifully. Until I tried to type in my facebook user and password. The keyboard was not responding. So for two hours I did everything. I even called my hp tech support but once he discovered I had let my warranty expire (which I had no clue about) he basically told me he could not (or would not) help me. He finally hung up and at that moment I decided my next computer would be a Dell.
All I could do was to walk out to my living room, flop down in a pout on my chaise and watched an episode of The Unit I had Tivoed. When my husband got up he knew by the mere fact I was reading and not facebooking. I tried to be brave but he could see I was in crisis so he made a call to the first guy we use to do computer maintenance. Once he got on the phone David handed me the phone. I was like "Hey Rodney...hope I'm not disturbing you at this early hour" He said "Well I was trying to get ready for work......" and I said "Super!! let me tell you whats going on..." and I told him. He told me to buy a new keyboard and basically hung up on me. Well that's not at all what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to say "Oh...you must've locked your keyboard or turned it off when you wiped your computer down" I really wanted to hear how I could push ctrl-alt-keyboard special fixer upper key and I would be back in business. So I made my husband call another friend...my cousin actually....who just had a baby this weekend. Once again Dave threw the phone at me like it was a hot potato and Jay answered. He was a little more friendly (however in my mind I could see this conversation...Hey Jay hope I'm not calling to early" and he'd say...well I just got back to sleep from the 4 o'clock feeding" and I would say "awesome your up...let me explain.." but I didn't have to do that song and dance). He did say....order a new keyboard and I will install it but in the meantime use another keyboard, just plug it in to your notebook as long as it has a USB port. I was ecstatic!! I went with Dave to feed the horses, got my mother to read my friends Beth's blog which was the funniest shit I have ever read and finally we raced to our storage unit to find the many keyboards I knew was in there.
Yep...they were there and all of them had the round plug...not USB. So I run to Alco (a store here that takes the place of Wal-Mart in small towns but is not really very well stocked). I was floored...they had everything else but no keyboards. Finally I made Dave go get my moms computer while she is out getting her hair done.
Now throughout this whole morning I noticed Dave was biting his tongue to keep from giving me the Big Lecture. He finally couldn't take it and blurted out "Now what have we learned from this? Maybe that there should be a no food and drink policy around the computer?" I could've gone the rest of my life without hearing that. But I have to admit if anything called for a lecture its spilling wine on a keyboard on the only computer in the house that just so happens to be a laptop.

So at this point I'm writing on my mothers computer while we brainstorm on how we can fix this before Lisa loses it.

"The very purpose of our lives is happiness and joyfulness. That is very clear. "
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama